this morning after my meditation, i was reflecting how different I felt after I had been juggling January many curve balls. It seemed as I declared to the universe my intention for “Awakening Shakti” and I was teaching about Ganesha and yoga as a journey, the journey to awakening arose many obstacles for me to juggle; hence juggling january!
January I thought would be magical. i love january, new year, new beginning, new hope, new visions, new intentions. and this january i was finally moving into my new marital home in barbados after months of building work.
Yet I had lost my mojo, the move drained me and then obstacle after obstacle arose within the house, that rippled out into my life. I was lost, anxious, tired oh so tired doing so many things at once and no time – do you know that feeling?
I forgot all my practices, yes i was meditating, yes i was using mantra and my getting on my mat to flow, yet my mojo was flat. I was wearing my masculine mask as i was juggling january. I was doing, analysing, and it was no wonder i was surrounded by men, work men who are absolutely wonderful, and their presence was rubbing off on my. I was no longer visiting the ocean to rest, bathe, float, no i was immersed in a torrent of problems mostly plumbing at the house. I am not saying the masculine mask is wrong, it is what a lot of modern woman wear to get things done, yet eventually it surfaces to reveal the mask is counter-intuitive to their inherent feminine flow – more on that another blog.
eventually i wrote to one of my dear friends, a Tantra Teacher who often guides me. I wrote to him saying a was drowning amongst other things and asked what do i do, even though what i was writing was i am “doing” to much and aware of it and need to soften. wise words came back to me, re-read your message to me, the answer is there… boom yes i felt it as i re-read… I was so out of the flow, battling against the currents and tides of change that i was resisting, fighting, reacting…
My invitation was to offer some clearing rituals and pause. the tears fell, i began to observe my thoughts, my feelings, my reactions so that i didn’t react, i responded. the masculine mask fell off and floated away with my tears back to the ocean of consciousness that invited my to once again float and flow with the currents and tides of change. within 2 days of rituals I felt different, the house felt different and everything within myself and my home flowed. this truly does reveal how the inner and outer marry and merge in all contexts. I became more fluid, responsive, I allowed the currents to nourish me, the water nurtured the seeds of my intentions to evolve and grow, rather than drown.
are you resisting the flow? do you feel like you are swimming up stream and the current is pushing you back all the time? if so, pause, come into the rhythm of your breath, the ebb and flow of the inhalation and let your awareness rest here in the ebb and flow. this will get you feeling into your body, rather than being in your head and this is the simplest practice you can ‘do’ to begin to touch embodiment. Feminine embodiment is different to masculine witness the body from the outside, Tantra Feminine practices invite you to go inside the inside of the body and feel.. this is what i practiced to feel the flow and freedom.
the fire of Spring ignited my mojo once again. the alchemy of fire and water danced in delight within me, creating the freedom to explore, rest and ride the waves. what i’ve come to contemplate as writing this and been practicing this week, is, to awaken, to awaken shakti, i need to remember my feminine practices that help me to release the masculine mask that causes me to grip, do, do even more by analysing. i had been immersed in my habitual tendencies that ultimately don’t serve me, i was so immersed i was drowning and this caused me to battle and juggle – the many arms that women multi task with, are not necessarily conducive to creation. I like to look at the goddesses many arms that hold everything and she is present in her shakti, her power not juggling, battling just riding the waves in the current of her power. this is to awaken fully and feel the freedom and the fire that february has ignited. to let go of the old habitual takes courage and strength to paradoxically be vulnerable and soften.
let’s see what February and the coming months bring and perhaps I will write about my journey…and share with you.
I bow in gratitude